I was talking with some other avali about their experiences, and the topic of packs came up. (Have I mentioned...? I'm properly identifying as an avali therian, now!) And that talk about packs got me thinking, and re-reading todd's lorebook.

Pack loss symptoms include anxiety, depression, trouble falling asleep, eating disorders. And yes, I know technically these aren't just avali things, that's how humans can have stress responses too.

But I like having that framework in avali terms. And something else that the book doesn't mention, but I imagine comes up with pack loss: the silence.

Avali are very sound-oriented, the way humans are sight-oriented. And packs talk, constantly, about every thought, bouncing between each other. It's not just communication - it's an extension of how they think and solve problems.

So what would be one of the first things to hit when an avali is separated from their pack?

The silence.

They call out to their packmate for something, only to remember nobody's there.

They keep expecting someone to say words that never come.

They are, for the first time in their lives, alone. In absolute silence.

And they don't like it.

I don't like it either.

So, my therian species is Teshari. A species for Space Station 13 originally called the Resomi, their original developer had their origin server change the name because they were being pushed closer to being avali and further from the developer's vision.

And on most servers, they really are just avali under a different name! Just usually without ammonia blood or packmates, because that's too hard to code.

I recently joined an avali-based mastodon instance, and the person running it told me I still count as avali even if I'm technically teshari. And that got me wondering... how different am I, really, from avali?

Appearance-wise, it's the same. The only thing distinguishing teshari from avali is whether the artist says they're a teshari or not.

In traits I happen to share with the lore, well, what lore? Teshari have no consistent lore - let alone lore that's been fleshed-out.

But there have been traits I share with avali, after reading todd's lorebook!

I'm still very hesitant to say I'm an avali therian, because I'm not really part of the avali community. And, I have no relation to any of the cultural stuff in their lore.

I can just change that, adopt some of those things - and I don't even need to do that in the first place, really.

But I figure - if I'm going to identify as an avali therian, I might as well know absolutely everything about avali first!

If you don't know what being therian is: broadly, it's when you don't identify with being human.

There's lots of more specific definitions and other labels like alterhuman and otherkin and so on. But, frankly, I don't care about them for myself.

The important bit for me, which defines my relationship to being therian, is: I get species dysphoria.

And to those who don't have any experience with it, that sounds ridiculous. Even pitaden, before I showed up, thought it was just really committed roleplay on other people's part. And I absolutely don't blame people for thinking that way!

But imagine one day, you wake up and look at a mirror as you always do. And the face that looks back at you isn't yours.

Everything in the reflection is warped and distorted. The proportions are wrong. It's like looking into a funhouse mirror.

You look at your hands to make sure you're just seeing things, but they're wrong too. The shape is strange, and there's too many fingers, and they're all thinner and longer than they should be.

I'm sure lots of people have had nightmares like that before!

For me, that was what I felt looking at a mirror for the first time.

And that fucked me up. badly.

It was to a point where I could not enter the bathroom, because if I did, I could not guarantee the body's safety.

Over time, and with my mindset shifting to "the body is a tool I'm borrowing" rather than "the body is me", it's not nearly as severe. I still can't get myself to look into mirrors for long, though.

And, experiencing all of this was embarassing for me as well. Because the species my brain expected? Teshari, from the game space station 13.

If you've played it before: yes. I'm talking about the species that is just off-brand avali. And I don't even like playing SS13.

It was extremely frustrating, embarassing, and we didn't even know about terms like "therian" or "alterhuman" - all I knew was something is wrong.

So imagine our surprise when we found out this wasn't something unique to me!

And not only that - there were a lot of others like me.

I took comfort in knowing I wasn't alone! But I still didn't like being therian.

What changed that was the first time I did recognize myself in a mirror.

I was in Resonite, having booted it up to try and get social interaction that wasn't tied to my host's identity.

While I was messing with colors on an avali avatar, I looked at the mirror to see how it looked. Something clicked. It was me.

There's been some changes since then! I tried to find a newer picture, but it's all of me sleeping. Which I guess goes to show how comfortable I am in it.

I still hate my brain, sometimes, for making me this way. But I love being able to see myself as I should be so, so much more.