(Oops. I wrote stream-of-consciousness again. I'll revise this... eventually?)

I've noticed something recently.

Plural resources and communities are always talking about terms, and labels, and What Type Of System/Headmate Are You, and all that stuff. But at the end of the day, none of that really matters.

None of them talk about what it's like to to live as a plural system, how to navigate day-to-day life, how to be fully-fledged beings. Me, and everyone else I know, had to learn it through trial-by-error.

Hopefully in writing about my experiences with random things in life, others can get something out of it!

But first, even more terminology!

Mostly for the benefit of those who aren't plural (or don't yet realize they are) reading this. I use a lot of terms, and I tend to forget not everyone knows them!

Plurality: Having more than one person in your brain.
(If you're wondering if you're plural - well, much like being trans, if you have to wonder then you probably are - but this, by the dragonheart collective, is a much better resource than here for investigating that!)

Headmate: Someone else sharing the brain. Like roommates, but in your head!

System: The whole collection of headmates - everyone in the brain.

Fronting/In Front: If someone is in front, then they're the ones in control of the body - as opposed to the headmates who aren't, who are "in the back"

Host: The main person who fronts. Technically - that's me right now! But I use it here to refer to the body's original owner for convenience.

Anxiety With Friends...

...That Don't Know

When I've spoken to friends who didn't know we were plural, it always felt like lying. I'm stealing an identity that isn't mine, and wearing it to talk to people who think I'm their friend. It's not a good feeling.

What I did is I came out as plural to all of these friends, as soon as I could work up the courage to. And all of those friends were understanding, none of them believed we were lying - mainly because they knew my host and not me, and I had been in front to talk with them before. And every friend noticed something was off in the times I was in front, even if they couldn't tell what it was.

But I recognize telling them isn't always a viable option. And unfortunately, I don't have any advice when that's the case.

...That Aren't Yours

It is so easy to feel scared of talking to people that're friends of someone else in the system, but not you specifically.

But it's not really something to worry about. They're not going to love your headmate but despise you!

I say that like it's easy. Don't get me wrong, it's very difficult to get past that! But it's also not some unique problem, just good old anxiety, and knowing that makes me feel better about it.

Romantic Relationships

I'm in a relationship right now, and my headmates are not. My headmates are aro/ace, and I am not. This doesn't cause nearly as many problems as you may expect!

My partner knows about our plurality, and is understanding about it. She's friends with my host as well.

...and Sexual Relationships

In our system, we keep a policy of "if it's awkward and it wasn't us in the body, we did not see it."

We do still remember, we just avoid thinking about it. I'm sure that sounds impossible, but you have to consider - the first time something happens, your thoughts will probably be stuck on that. The tenth, who cares?

Identity

...When You Aren't Needed

I showed up with a very specific goal in mind: help my host get his shit together. So what happens after that goal is done? What happens if that's not even possible for me to achieve?

Well, that sent me straight into an identity crisis. It's hard to feel like a person when you're barely more than a ghost to the outside world.

I'm still not quite out of that. But I'm doing a lot better now than I was before.

The biggest thing that helped me is just having my own online presence, seperated from my host. And from there, making my own friends. VR, especially, was helpful for that. Resonite is fantastic for systems, because you can change the name attached to your avatar to reflect yourself and not the account's name, and it's easy to do!

...And The Body

I do not recognize the face in the mirror. I get dysphoria at seeing a face that isn't mine, dysphoria about the gender, even dysphoria about the species.

And, well, this is unsolved for me. I still can't look at mirrors for too long.

But something that helped me is treating the body as something I'm using, not as being literally me. It took me from "I want to immediately smash the mirror and run" to "I can stick around enough to make sure the body is presentable"

Something else that helped was spending time in VR, using an avatar that resembles me as closely as possible. Again, I recommend Resonite, but in this case that's mostly because I'm biased.